My Cat is of The Devil

I break for black cats. And mine is the fluffiest spawn to walk the Earth. If the Fancy Feast cat is of the Ceiling, then ours is in the wine cellar of the sub-Basement. We used to think she was abused, but now I just think she likes the taste of human flesh. She gives off plenty of warning, so if you don’t pull back, too bad for you.

She’s also huge. I mean, not huge. We’ve had her on a diet, but it’s hard to see how it’s going under all that long, fluffy, fluffy fur. 

Today, I’m giving her small portions, and she keeps begging for more. After her third ¼ cup, we lay down for the night with both fans on in our room. I’m reading and my husband is asleep. She’s been meowing for the better part of thirty minutes. I’m all NO KITTY! and NO PIGLETTE! She skitters off. And comes back with a vengeance.

Remember that movie Insidious? Remember that poop-inducing scene with the red demon, played by a read dude in make-up, behind the lead guy? The movie was lackluster until then, and I shat myself when he came on screen.

I continued reading, so I didn’t notice the silence. Not until my husband snored. I smiled and looked over and THERE SHE IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM looking at me with her huge Gollum eyes.

My cat just Insidious-ed me. She is from the depths.

So, I yelled at bit in surprise. I may have called her names. Like Creepy Ass. But it resulted in another meal and me moving the fan so she wouldn’t have her fur mussed while she was eating. 

I’m not sure if I should start killing rodents to appease her or not. 

One day, kibble may not be enough.

The Country Song

Random actions in fields of corn flowers grass.

Inappropriate memories in an American car brand,

That belonged to a beloved family member.

They’re dead.

But my bad habits ain’t,

Nor my love for you, God, dogs, and Jesus, too.

I love the red, white, and the blue.

I knew a gay once.

Don’t take my guns.

Beer.

Grim Prediction

So, just cause I like to scare the fuck out of people and burst their little "it's okay" bubble, here is my prediction for the Midwest and the Economy.

We better start shaking the Native American rain sticks and hoping for a *cataclysmic* winter.  As a matter of fact, if the tropical storms this fall do *not* burst this heat "bubble," and we have a dry fall, a tepid winter and another storm-less spring, we are just plain fucked.

No amount of right wing theology or left wing politicing is going to be able to stop the crops from being bad, the dustbowl from coming back, and subsequently, the American Economy from tanking.  The amount of crops available will go down, the price will go up and that will spread out to all areas of spending, at a time when Americans just keep tightening their belts till their eyes bulge out.

"Just a curse, dear, have a nice day."

Separatist Behavior: Humor

"Separatism is the advocacy of a state of cultural, ethnic, tribal, religious, racial, governmental or gender separation from the larger group."

Firstly, my main complaint is with a group of people who are needy with their humor.  Neediness is an albatross in any fashion, and those who need to be found funny when they are not are the worst offenders.

Say some older woman makes a joke.  You know, the ones that the Baby Boomers make these days about being a bitch and how it's a good and socially acceptable thing.  It's not funny.  And I don't laugh.  This said Baby Boomer really took it to heart that I don't think she's funny.

And that just defies the heart of humor, which itself is highly subjective.  If you need people to laugh at all your jokes, pay a prostitute or an escort to entertain you.  Or go find a dumber group of people. The latter should be easier and cheaper.

Secondly, I have to say that this one is on me.

If you don't find what I've said funny, it just makes it funnier to me.  The metaphorical crickets as a reward for something particularly niche or acerbic just tickles me to no end, because awkwardness falls under the category of funny shit to me.

Say I make a joke about bulemia while being weighed at the doctor's office.  Say the look on the nurse's face would curdle milk.

That shit just got funnier exponentially. 

End of Lesson.

Adding Whimsy to Your Life: 1

Take exercise band that's been placed for use.

Put hands through until they are able to hang by the wrist. 

Bend over.

Further.

As far as you can until the elastic bands are now holding your hands up.

Pretend you are a marionette.

Separatist Behavior: Vowels have reasons for living.

"Separatism is the advocacy of a state of cultural, ethnic, tribal, religious, racial, governmental or gender separation from the larger group." 

In this case, I would venture to say that it is the reverse.  That my compulsiveness in this case is the minority.  
And that makes me sad, children.  Quite sad.

At my mundane job, a lady is writing a check.  Then she says, "May I borrow your pin?"

I wished I had remembered to wear my enormous, feathered, Victorian hat so I could pull a PIN out of it and tell her, "oh, you meant PEN."

End of lesson.

Two Hipster Bitches Fucking Love Ted

I have the privilege of being one of the poor people who no longer has cable.  Of any kind.  No T.V. whatsoever.  So I hadn't seen the previews that were safe to show.  When I heard about the movie, I was all *meh* sounds stupid.  Then I saw an online trailer.  And I knew I had to see it.

I first saw it with my Dad.  Was it awkward?  No.  And I just want everyone to absorb how awesome that is before moving on.

So, one of my good friends, (that's you, HB1) is a huge Family Guy fan, and I told her to see this AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  So, I went with her to see it.  The same day.

I saw Ted twice.  And I still love it.

This is the first time in such a long LONG time that the preview was an actual preview.  Meaning that what you saw was cut up, not the only good parts available.  Or, like Bad Teacher, where the movie was so cleaned up, it was no longer enjoyable or humorous.  No, no, Ted just gets worse and nastier and funnier!  And the material was so dense with little jokes and dry comments that I was much relieved to have HB1 there to also laugh at those things.  For some reason, our sieve is much finer and we catch more, I don't know.  Several times, I had both hands over my mouth, crying with laughter, trying to contain the noise so I didn't sound like a braying jackass. 

But this is what blew me away.  It's an actual story.  Well paced between the humor rampage and plot direction and dramatic moments.  Nothing is gratuitous.  Everything that happens has a plot point, it goes somewhere and it's dense with material.  By that I mean, layers of jokes from the obvious to loud or gross down to a little dry nod as an aside.  That was Bridesmaids' sin, the dramatic moments were dead, it was all chick flick and you just wanted to get back to the funny stuff. 

By the time the dramatic conclusion came, there were actual tears in the audience.  I love how he wasn't afraid to rip your fucking heart out, because that's where the story logically went.  There was amazing, thoughtful and technical writing done here. 

I don't know if anyone is going to catch on to the theme of Peter Pan syndrome and it's toll on society at large.  Ted as a metaphor could be someone's X-Box, their own mother, or anything else that they use as an excuse to keep from growing up and taking responsibility.  It's an affliction that I think hits GenX and Y pretty hard, since we grew up with toys and now that we have the money, we don't have to ever give them up.  There is no hard line between being a child and an adult.  It just happens that one day you like Star Wars and run around pretending to be Darth Vader with an empty roll of wrapping paper tube, and the next you can afford that light saber you always wanted.  Responsibility often just happens to people, and they struggle with trying to hold on to the joy of being young, instead of carrying it with them beside their duty.

So, here's my big conundrum.  If Seth McFarlane can do this, what the fuck is everyone else's problem? I feel like he's been sorely underestimated and overlooked, and most commercial movies are just plain ass lazy.  It's artistically inspirational, that you can do any subject matter in any fashion that you want and if you follow the basic rules of writing/story/characterization, you will end up with something fantastic.

Ted should have a bigger audience than just the Family Guy crowd.  And I can't wait to see what movie Seth McFarlane will do next!  These are the kinds of movies that I make excuses to see over and over, under the guise of making sure this person sees it, and this person, and this person....

Oh, a rating?  Two mother fucking Thunder Buddy thumbs all the way up!